E

travels

2006-07-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

not much to update you all with, my travels are going well i am seeing things that really set me in the mood not to go home. well maybe i won't, i've just not had time to post anything although i think i was going down every over developed road on here anyway. some photos soon. promise, but my camera got stolen (or i lost it).

at least its all standard everywhere else eh kodi. ;)

side note, bd and just thinking finally got space together and have picked up some new readers on the way.

romancing

2006-06-10T08:25:00.000-07:00

i miss being romanced. maybe thats where the dislike for lack of mutuality and the unpraised comes from. its been so long since someone wrote me a nice message in a card, bought me a gift, took me somewhere for lunch or walked me along the beach. i have come back to missing having a man.

escapade

2006-05-26T17:54:00.000-07:00

there is no point in gesturing for the sake of it. if it takes a mistake to plant reason to say something nice, whats the point. if the things you have to say every other day are what you say why falsify yourself by giving out gestures in good will. you only look more wrong and more false for it. you either think good or bad.

death and romance

2006-05-20T17:26:00.000-07:00

hand in hand or toe to toe? one wins, the two cannot stand as one - romeo and juliet would confirm?

sometimes even the best get stranded

2006-05-05T19:09:00.000-07:00

if she strikes you
where do you want to be?
the holder lost of all composure!
if you're wounded
why play the game?
you'll be left stranded
in no mans land
cause she couldn't see you're pure

Cartel-

a helpless defeat a useless rage a bloody mess a wasted life

2006-05-03T07:23:00.000-07:00

things I have and
don't have
come from this
moving between
people like leaves like
smoke. I've been
waiting the way
milkweed I
brought inside two
years ago stays
suspended, hair in the
wind it seems to
float, even its
black seeds don't
pull it down
tho you don't
understand
how anything
could stay
that way
so long

DRIFTING - Lyn Lifshin

bitter lemon reminders of old events which were removed in vain

andrew

2006-04-20T16:33:00.000-07:00

i looked at old photos, i hate the not knowing what would've been.

different

2006-04-19T16:48:00.000-07:00

warm in winter cold in spring

2006-04-18T18:58:00.000-07:00

an older photo b took, i liked it

'olding' as a single one

2006-04-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

maybe when i am older, and my expectations drip from me as my past sets my levels i will never feel the same about being single. the people i hold to won't care that i want a certain something, possibly disregarding their certain somethings.

i think this is some twisted way of saying i'm getting old but i've got an understanding one or i am getting old and being a single is good fun to me.

here's hoping. that i am to be finding a guy who will give me the rope that i can put him down on the list on the odd event.

this is just some twisted way of saying i want one of the understanding ones; one of the ones who will romance me and let me bitch about things, one who will know when to put his arms round me and listen, one who will know when to argue and know when to fold, one who will love and cherish me, one who will never hide from me when i need something. then he will be giving me his 50% and i will give him his.

silent hours

2006-04-17T04:43:00.000-07:00

when some people slip into silence i can't help but think that whatever is eating their words shouldn't happen once you give up your heart if then he/she makes you question your feelings is it time to turn and think of running away.

the questioning begins and the silences creep in.

maybe it should be as it has put 'build me up and bring me down'

breather "long time no blog"

2006-04-15T15:57:00.000-07:00

after a pause, i see i have been unfair; to him, to who he cares about. i have tried to be the one in his wings, he soars without me and when he looks he can take me to a comforting place, he can be the friend to make everything right. for too long have i hoped this would grow, knowing he didn't love me how i loved him. knowing he was falling fast for someone that effects him in a way i have never been able i possibly didn't let him stretch fully. a part of me can't help but smile for him and for who he touches with his heart, then that part of my that turns green sometimes in envy of what i cannot have. i am sorry for when this part takes over. i don't want to be the thorn in anyones side.

after a petty remark that recieved petty response i wonder why things go well for such a blatanty limited creature.

which returns me to maturity; knowing you've made an error is very different from saying you have made one. just as thinking you are more is very different from saying you are. so the maturity is something self applied, until then keep your pathetic ideas and opinions. you show your excuses for you failings and expect pity, you expect to be seen as the struggling single parent when you are nothing but a poor attempt at being a man and a father. i hope your children are as stupid as you are, at least this way they will not see through you.

love and its brooding have been on my mind quite a lot lately, nearly to the point i am almost tired all of the time i am consumed by my calculating of my feelings and my stunt in growth. emotionally i have come to a wall.

complexions of differing goings on.

a more obvious example

2006-03-22T03:58:00.000-08:00

ironic - the unrealistic being realistic

one sided

2006-03-07T15:57:00.000-08:00

after reading this post relationships don't work when one sided, when one person travels the distance, when one person takes the hits and makes the sacrifices.

i think the late realisation this is the case conspires a contempt within me for my previous relationships regardless of what they have gave me

waste

2006-03-06T16:23:00.000-08:00

do not let people tell you that maturity consists of giving up your idealism, or that responsibility means giving up your freedom, or that wisdom consists of accepting illogical arguments.

growing old is not forgetting the past the people who toss history aside have nothing of meaning to hold.

ok i did a test

2006-02-27T15:46:00.000-08:00

Your Heart Is Pink

In relationships, you like to play innocent - even though you aren't.Each time you fall in love, it's like falling for the first time.
Your flirting style: Coy
Your lucky first date: Picnic in the park
Your dream lover: Is both caring and dominant
What you bring to relationships: Romance

What Color Heart Do You Have?

twelve

2006-02-26T09:30:00.000-08:00

he was an educated man and all our equations weighed up perfectly, burning the enemies and holding open all the gates.

now i've opened my eyes to men again, i see good looking cocky immature boys and well mannered plain guys. no-one seems to have the full package?

friend

2006-02-25T17:52:00.000-08:00

Many times I've needed support,
and to know someone was there.
It was you who held me up,
and showed me there was still care.

family

2006-02-25T17:42:00.000-08:00

Many times I've wanted to tell you this,
But never got a chance.
You have helped me out in life,
and got me where I am.

Many times in my life I've needed a helping hand,
and someone to pull me up.
I know you'd have gave me that,
thats often enough.

you should never fight those feelings

2006-02-24T15:02:00.000-08:00

Powers and a feeling, time to watch the ceiling.
You know how everything grows.
Wondering where you are and knowing I'm only one night away.
Now the stars are falling and I'm wandering the city.
You know the feeling.

cure

2006-02-22T16:20:00.000-08:00

i can't make you love me
if you don't
can't make your heart feel
something it won't
here in the dark
in these hours
i will lay down
and feel the power
but you won't
no, you won't
cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

you play that part

2006-02-17T15:21:00.000-08:00

i know you understand even when i get in a phase, when i'm going to a place that you can't come you let me flow and you put yourself on hold. taking my cold when i could say the meanest things your tongue doesn't speak, not because i'm cute or because i'm weak but because to you i'm an open book that you've well read.

effort

2006-02-16T14:34:00.000-08:00

http://artpad.art.com/?iuswdz1lfgpc

least you tried b lol ;P

ott

2006-02-16T13:51:00.000-08:00

over rating achievments, some people do it and some people don't. one person feel the need to shout their latest feat and the next acts as if there was no feat at all.

not so many years ago

2006-02-13T13:56:00.000-08:00

the photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago

solo

2006-02-07T11:02:00.000-08:00

i am surrounded by friends, i have plenty on my plate at work, i work with the community for the community, i have someone who would do anything i asked him to. but i don't have someone specific, someone special, someone of my own. the hollow echoes at the moment.

predilection of men

2006-01-24T16:23:00.000-08:00

men, who can express his feelings but stand up for himself
sex, that doesn't take three hours for no result or is over quicker than the taste of 5p bubblegum
stubble, that is neither rehearsed or patchy
intelligence, not brain dead but no nerd working in the dark corner of the office with a buffy wallpaper
oral sex, that isn't like guzzling an orange or like its going to bite back
first dates, that you wouldn't be ashamed to tell you kids if he was the dad
suits, that don't hang off but cover the curves
build, like a man should be big enough so give security but not so big it all wobbles
humour, can make fun of life but doesn't laugh at every fart ever made
security, not cocky but not so insecure it hurts my ego
cars, well boys if it has four wheels and can handle A to B who cares
romance, not looking for flowers and chocolates every second sunday but a thoughtful trip away on the odd weekend or a walk along the beach
grooming, tidy but ready to go out in a tenth of the time i take

is some kind of average that difficult?

try to explain

2006-01-11T06:53:00.000-08:00

Softly as a gentle breeze,
Love crept into my heart
So softly I did not realize
Until we came to part.
It was then that love so suddenly
Grew claws, and without warning
Clamped around my heart and left
Me bleeding and in mourning.
So stunned was I by this attack,
I did not cry out "stay! "
And, frowning at my silence,
You turned and walked away.
I never knew, until you left,
How much you'd meant to me
And now you're gone, I guess
Our love was never meant to be.

this year

2006-01-10T01:51:00.000-08:00

well this year already has a flavour of romance associated with it. all for the taking. i must start returning to here more often.

tradition

2005-12-23T19:34:00.000-08:00

it has come round, christmas 2005. hope everyone has a good christmas and the new year brings all that is hoped for

snowflakes

2005-12-19T08:04:00.000-08:00

with a little help

goodbyes

2005-12-16T12:51:00.000-08:00

goodbyes are something where either we say goodbye or i can say hello to new things the gooodbyes made way for.

those places where dust really gathers

2005-12-13T01:45:00.000-08:00

not journals but boxes of things kept in a loft in a house which itself is not a pleasant memory my life has been such that these boxes probably define it more than i do the past will always be part of my future. i miss people, going places, seeing things but i really don't think i could swap what i have now for what i had then. tough one.

balancer

2005-12-07T16:34:00.000-08:00

we as people, as women do have this problem with balance. after thinking of it i think we can add it next to perception and co-ordination. they are all kinds of ordinance, it is the emotional struggle with ourselves. just thinking (theothersideofthecircle) touched on this personally; but it will be known in us all. we all need something to lean on, something to provide support in moments of mis-footing and with having found someone who can dedicate to be that to me i feel much more stable.

my how you've changed

2005-12-02T13:09:00.000-08:00

From
I'll be making my escape
As soon as I'm telling myself everything is shape
Everything is great
Except me
How long can you stay
How am i doing
I've got a great idea
I'll just wait right here
Why is all this happening
Breaking both my hands
And telling me to take it like a man
Well fuck that
I guess i don't understand it
Just say what you just said again
Everything is happening

To
Release, find your peace my love

Release, maybe it was all you needed?

i remember the splashes

2005-12-01T04:26:00.000-08:00

i have never forgotten you and i never will, you were my first love and i know we were never anything but it doesn't take away from me the doors you opened i wonder what you'd be like now if you'd still only eat junk food and argue with b about who knew the most tracks (no question, eh b ;P) i wonder if you'd still call me chubby, i wonder if you'd have forgiven yourself for the trouble you had in dealing with gordon i wonder if we would have got back together and been something, i wonder if you'd have ever matured, i wonder if cartel would have been signed i wonder why you left me what you left me and why you didn't leave me anything else i wonder if i will see you when i can no longer see the stars

i wonder why i started wondering when i was at the pub

someday soon

2005-11-29T10:21:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I loved someone

for who has found she can grab him

2005-11-27T16:36:00.000-08:00

He is good-hearted, intelligent, affectionate, down-to-earth and loyal. Simultaneously strong and sweet, very tuned-in to feelings be it yours and his own. The kind who without having to be asked, will have a helping hand to lend and a sympathetic shoulder to lean on. Communication is his middle name, easy; through many different mediums. I can only imagine when paired with your passions and your qualities he'd be the partner who women around you would envy while holding respect.

the one who got away

2005-11-22T04:28:00.000-08:00

intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad into good, hates fighting and stress, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for who matter, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, can complain, great leadership qualities, extremely loyal but quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive.

the vapour trail?

took my pain and put it in a headlock

2005-11-19T11:15:00.000-08:00

new

2005-11-14T09:50:00.001-08:00

after the thought of skipping there has been plently to give me the shiny button feel

6 foot 3 pale blue eyes mousey brown hair refined intelligent generous caring, fingers crossed he can love and he can keep me laughing

tears

2005-11-10T10:53:00.000-08:00

salty escape
bitter pour
itchy soft
messy cleansing

msp

2005-11-09T09:38:00.000-08:00

be careful and graceful? while you are tore apart from the inside out?

roaring roar

2005-11-08T02:22:00.000-08:00

sometimes i hate myself for having been afraid of that roaring roar, sometimes i hate myself for fearing roaring roars when i'm alone at night, sometimes i hate myself for leaning so hard against someone i shouldn't

have i been sinful? because its all been for nothing, except i am without the barrage of roaring roars

square one

2005-11-07T09:37:00.000-08:00

to quote a good friend after so long i've been landing on the ladders, i knew i was due a snake to quote the song the future is for discovering the space we travel in, from the top of the first page to the end of the last day i don't believe in square one, experience forbids it and even the longest snake only takes you to square three ;P

compared to you

2005-11-06T06:53:00.000-08:00

compared to what you say his words just fall through the day

are you falling love somewhere every second of the day - no!

2005-11-03T09:57:00.000-08:00

"Love is often on my mind" my want to find Mr. right, the mate the one who has the strength the care the want and the love for me I have for them plus the skill to patch the cracks on my heart has resurfaced of late. there are things I want I cannot have, but a man who has the ability remains hard to be seen and the ability isn't excessive.

fell in fall out

2005-11-02T15:16:00.000-08:00

The man that I fell in love with so many years ago is still the same man in my heart I know now. The worst of it is we help one another through all the critical moments but we have long since lost our chance. I have fallen out of love with him and yet I feel very much in love with the same man I met 8 years ago. So much unspoken, feelings my heart refuses to forget. I protect myself from the possible hurt by hurting. Unsure which blow I can take. The shattered fragment of hope and the face I cannot forget haunts my nights.

flaming lips - ego tripping

2005-11-01T14:10:00.000-08:00

I was wanting you to love me, but your love it never came, all the other love around me, was just wasting all awayI must have been tripping

deep end

2005-10-30T08:38:00.000-08:00

I have decided to take the plunge.